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26/03/24 - socialisation problems

Writing this, I'm currently sat in front of my desk, feeling quite sick since I ate too much at my grandparents' easter dinner. While I enjoy the food and enjoy the thought of spending time with my family, I'm never really the one that speaks up or say anything at all during these meetups, even when I have things I could be talking about, like my planned trip to Scotland coming up in the next few months, or the fact I've been applying for universities. It just feels like I'm wasting time, staring at nothing, people all laughing around me, having fun, while I'm just.. there, existing.

I wish I could be more present in the conversation, my thoughts and feelings, what I'm doing and what has happened, idk just anything. But maybe I'm just not that type of person, I struggle with this regularly with my current friend group. I have a fun time talking 1-on-1, but as soon as multiple people join, I sorta just become quiet and shy away. It's not because I don't wanna talk. I do. But it's just that I don't know how, maybe? It feels like I don't know how, but I'm able to speak normally in other instances?

I have no clue, all I know is that I suck at socialising... and maybe that's okay.

On another note, I've made the choice of becoming an owner of a Steam Deck! It's not here yet, but I'm excited! I can't stop looking at the parcel tracking, please arrive soon!!! I don't know if this was the best decision in terms of what I'll be using it for and how much I'll be using it for, but I've always wanted one and I thought I needed to spoil myself on the days where it's not going too well and I just need a break, which sadly I feel like there has been plenty of this entire month.

Hopefully this Steam Deck will be helping me in my progress of stopping my social media time waste. I've been extremely bad at it these past couple of days again, yet sometimes I just feel like there's nothing else for me to do. I clearly need more (or just old) hobbies to pick up, more shows to watch, more anything else that social media to do. Should probably finish this website lmao

As I'm writing the end of this, my stomach ache has gotten even worse, so I think I might just call it a night and go lie down. Man, a Steam Deck would've been usefull right now... Sleep well!~